Family matters, Mothers, Such is life, Suffering, Whines and whispers

A Letter for Mom’s Birthday

It is said that grief doesn’t shrink over time, we grow around it. We may try everything we possibly can to escape the loneliness that comes with losing a loved one. However, the void remains. Life keeps us on our toes, momentarily distracts us, but there are days and occasions that jolt us back to reality. Today is one such day for me; Mom’s birthday. I don’t miss her more today, no. It’s the fact that I can’t bake a cake for her to cut, treat her with her favourite food, and wish her in person that pinches me more. Writing a letter and sending it out to the universe is the best I can think of right now.

Dearest Mamma,

I’ve gone back and forth innumerable times trying to figure out what I should write to you in this letter. There are many things I want to share and even more that I want to know. First things first, how are you? How is heaven treating you? Is it worth all the hype? Do women really flaunt those flashy clothes, jewellery and people speak in poetic Hindi there? I bet your social afterlife is as thriving as it was here or is it more? I can never imagine you lying low, anywhere! 🙂

Here’s a quick update from my side. Next week A Jr will be a teenager, but you already know that right? Your elephant’s memory was our backup for every birthday and anniversary, after all. Angel is going to be seven this year. (I know, she’s a big girl already!) I don’t say it aloud (should I?) but the best decision of my life was marrying the guy of your choice. Despite my mood swings and occassional outbursts A loves me and cares for me a lot. Fire and water was the perfect metaphor you picked for us!

A Letter for Mom_avibrantpalette

Daddy shuttles between our home, mine and S’s as per his mood and wish. He is softened around the edges now and is incredibly calm and collected. Amusingly, his life is a lot more happening than ours. He works out for at least 30 minutes every day, has a good social circle, and is always up for an adventure. Also, he has become an enterprising cook and makes idlis, paneer, parathas, and whatnot. With you gone, he feels more responsible towards us. I wish he didn’t. Shouldn’t it be the other way round? S is the younger one but is more matured and evolved than me. Our conversations are filled with advice, concern, and also reprimands, mostly from his side. Daddy and he have my back all the time.

Finally, let’s talk about me in my letter! I’ve spent most of my life trying to get your approval and being a good enough daughter to you. I don’t know if I was one. Right now though, I’m everything you wanted me to be. I lost weight, am working from home to be with the kids and writing professionally. We booked our home after you left (you would love it!) but I know your blessings are with us. This is my island of happiness and my favourite corner in the world.

Can I be absolutely honest? I’m outgoing, brash and content for the world but that couldn’t be farther removed from the truth. I’ve learnt to live without you, yes, but nothing can fill the dark hollow I feel within me. I watch all the things moms do for their daughters in helpless despair and can’t help feeling a sharp stab of envy. The line ‘bagair maa ki bachchi’, hurtful sympathy in peoples’ eyes and fake pretence of camaraderie mercilessly gnaw at me. I didn’t ask for and don’t deserve them.

I restrain myself from sharing my wounds with anyone though. Daddy has his own devils to face, A won’t understand and S is just as broken as me. Grief is personal, sometimes out of force. Sad, isn’t it? My tears are shed and wiped out in solitude, like now. There’s a lump in my throat and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. Please don’t be upset. It’s natural, isn’t it? How else can I release these pent up emotions?

I long to hear my kids say Nani. A Jr has fond memories of you but your presence is sorely missed in Angel’s life. She knows you only from your pictures and videos. I wish you could’ve spent more time with them, spoilt them and taught them a thing or two. Alas! 🙁

I can go on and on, you know I talk too much. I’m wrapping up this letter with the assurance that we all love and miss you a lot. Life and time are the biggest healers and we’re still learning.

Happy Birthday, Mamma! Hope you’re happy and at peace, wherever you are!

Lots of love,


This post is a part of Blogchatter Half Marathon

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23 thoughts on “A Letter for Mom’s Birthday

  1. Varsha, tight hug to you. This is such a heartfelt letter. We have so much to tell our moms right? We try to find her in many things. Be it some saree (that might resembles to one which she had), or some dish (which is not at all close to our mom’s recipe), or a few words (which we remember almost everyday). She is always there with us.

  2. This was so heartfelt varsha and I felt each and every emotion you expressed in this letter for aunty. yes, grief is a long lasting journey and we need to find the way to deal with this positively. you are an amazing daughter who are doing great in all aspects of life. aunty must be proud to see her girl’s achievement.

  3. Your parents are always with you even when they are not physically present. You miss them, but they always make their presence felt in some way or the other, especially on special days like birthdays, etc..

  4. A big virtual hug to you cards. This is a heartfelt post and while reading I am having teary eyes. Sometimes life can be really cruel but I am sure your mom is watching from up there and do very proud of you. You will be always loved and blessed.

  5. Such a heart touching letter it is. I can’t feel how you are feeling now. But I will say she is watching you, your kids and your family and her blessing are always with you.

  6. This is not an easy letter to write and I was very emotional reading from start to end. Mothers and fathers everywhere are special and they make huge sacrifices to make sure we get the best in life, never asking anything except love in return. You paid the perfect ode to your mother and I’m sure she’d be smiling with pride wherever she is.

  7. Hey Varsha, I came across this post just at the right time. Tomorrow happens to be my mom’s birthday and we lost her last year. I seriously don’t know what to write, other than thanking you for this wonderful post.

  8. Aww that is such a heart touching post or should I say an open letter to your mum. She must be so proud of you and yes though kids must be missing Nani but I am sure Nanu is working doubly hard to make up the loss to your kids and you.

  9. Varsha this post made me cry and miss my mom even more. Even I dont have a mother and lost her around 11 years back and till date I cant forget the details of that unfortunate day when I saw her lying lifeless. I really really feel your pain and I hope your and my mom must have met in heaven and have become friends like us. Stay blessed.

  10. Thats such a touching ode to your mom. I am sure she is smiling down upon you and feeling proud of you and your family for all the things you have achieved. Our parents are always around us even when they are not physically. Oodles of hugs dear .

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