Friends, Friendship, India, Just rambling, Sharing views, Such is life

Friendship or Relationship

No two people in this world are alike and what they seek from any relationship also differs to a great extent. Some people want their relationships (romantic or otherwise) to be rewarding and enriching, while for some people warmth, comfort and acceptance are more important than anything else.

It isn’t difficult to comprehend that when two people representing the two sides of a coin come together, it can be a tad unsettling to ‘get’ each other easily. The intentions and efforts might be genuine, but how can anyone grasp something about someone that he isn’t equipped to process?

All of us want to be listened to and understood well. We need someone to share our murky secrets, embarrassing moments, killing heartaches and even our rankest achievements with, without being judged, ridiculed or pulled down. The thing at play here is plain compassion and understanding.

If there is someone who fits the bill, then is it acceptable to let go of the whole thing because that person happens to be of the opposite sex and it doesn’t go down well with others? Does any association between two people of the opposite sex essentially imply something is brewing or can potentially brew between them in future?

Attraction is one thing, empathy is another, and confusing between both of them is nothing short of a crime. Eyes don’t always say ‘come hither’ or a smile doesn’t always convey hidden messages. They don’t have to be cheat codes. One needs to step out of the age-old rut that ‘a guy and a girl can never be friends’. It’s downright stupid!

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72 Comments

  1. Relationships are complex, aren’t they? And why wouldn’t they be – we each have our beliefs, individualities and everything else that makes us unique. So when they come together, there’s bound to be conflict …and sometimes sparks:)
    Coming to friendship, well, as long as the people who know they’re in it as friends, gender shouldn’t be a bar should it?

    1. Exactly. There shouldn’t be a bar based on gender, atleast ideally. Many times that doesn’t happen though. Some friendships/relationships sometimes fall prey to too much speculation about their platonic status or future.
      It is not that I have a problem with the conflicts and sparks. It is just that one shouldn’t be restricted if someone else can fit the bill.

  2. Attraction is one thing and empathy is another. This is where the rest of the world gets confused I guess. It is unfair. The moment people see a guy & a girl getting comfortable, they have to name it and it most certainly is named attraction. I know situations where people called it attraction, the parties involved gradually felt ‘why not?’ and people said, ‘See? I told you!’ 😐 Hmph! People!

    1. This is an example of crooked mentality mostly bred by so-called romantic novels, movies etc. When someone sees it worked with someone else, the hope comes alive. It is unfair to assume that anyone can take interest in anyone’s matters. If it has to, it will. Right?

  3. It works both ways….depending on the ppl in the relationship / friendship….
    Gender is not the stumbling block… The equation is…..

    1. Right. Any relationship or friendship needs time to grow and mature before the ones involved can give it a name themselves. They don’t need to be pressurised. When this matter involves different genders the equation gets tricky.

      1. Very nicely put… An eternal debate…. Always relevant…

        1. Eternal debate. Correct. Perfect. ☺????

  4. With humans nothing can be predicted. …ever! And that’s the beauty too! My way of looking at things

    1. Not knowing is acceptable, no doubt. The problem arises when we let assumptions ruin something that is unpredictable in itself.

      1. Presumptions? That’s one of the worst human habits we have! It’s a relation killer!

        1. Oh yes. Worst of all habits and the most rampant one too. No one wants to take a lesson.

          1. So true

  5. I think more than how others think what is more important is how the the two concerned friends think…It has to be dealt very great maturity and even when there is scope of falliability, the two people should get irrational/immature at the same time…If at some point it appears someone is crossing the line, the other one has to intervene and bring home the point to the other afterall if understanding between the two is good beforehand the other person will get it and make necessary amends…

    Like other issue such bonding can go both right or wrong based on how it is handled combined by the two friends…If handled properly it could even enrich their respective lives even better relationship between respective set of spouses.

    One example that comes to mind is Shahrukh n Kajol friendship which has all tge ingredients of a positive and healthy friendship with mutual empathy and understanding enriching life of both the friends.

    1. I completely agree with your take on the matter Parijat. It depends on the concerned people to handle the matter with maturity and understanding and make sure that they agree with each other’s stand at every stage.
      It is difficult to find someone who you can share your feelings with,.i any kind of relationship. Hence it is best to do every possible thing so that miscommunication or unclear intentions don’t affect it.
      Good example. Healthy friendship can work wonders for both of them and their lives. Anytime.

  6. People really can’t accept men n women in a platonic relation… If they are meeting in a group then they will still be spared… Any meeting done on one on one basis n definitely they are not “just friends”…its not the case of can’t be possible but…impossible…

    N I agree with the earlier comment…let the two ppl decide whether they are friends or something more before others speculate, imagine, rumour make the concerned party think that something must be really wrong between them n they are liars to not admit their relationship…

    1. Some people with a twisted mind try to find dirt in everything. Even if the concerned people are willing to disclose everything, they’ll be assumed to be hiding an awful lot. If there has to be some romantic involvement it can happen with the same sex too. Why is it so difficult for people to get this simple logic is beyond me. Let them bother and figure out their ifs and buts. Right?

      1. Exactly!…but why do some ppl have to know whether they are friends or not… Y do they have to put a moralistic yardstick at all in everything…I think sometimes to fulfil their own unromantic life, they try to make a relation out of everything…

        In fact I remember one guy friend on mine saw our common friend, holding hands of her boyfriends best friend…n he comes to me to say she is two timing tell the boyfriend…I knew what kind of relation all three had, they were all very close friends…but did you see how ppl interpret…
        I really get pissed off when ppl talk about others as if they themselves are some saints of this universe…

        Give space yaar! All are mature enough to eventually figure out what kind of relation they are in…Others need not bother…

        1. Unromantic life…bang on! Whether it is a married or unmarried pair…not couple…of friends or colleagues…people start to put their imagination at work if they are seen as much as holding hands. Even a simple handshake is taken in a bad light.
          Everyone had their own yardstick of acceptability under which they choose to operate. It isn’t necessary that it agrees with others. If its not good for you, f**k off! Who’s bothered?

          1. True… How can the parameters we define for ourselves be the same for others…

            Unfortunately some people aren’t going to change… I a so glad to know our views match in this subject… And as per me the female gets more hurt than the males species… Because you see we are “Devi” n men will be men…Screw everyone lol!

          2. I think we will find support from a lot of females who don’t cater to the age-old stigma attached with how we’re supposed to behave with men when they don’t need to follow any set standards.
            We are Devis…agreed…but one cannot choose to remember Savitri and forget Durga or Kali as per convenience. We can screw anyone, and we will if need be! ????????????
            LOL!! ????????????

          3. Lol ????????… Frankly I dont want to be called Devi also there is still lot of expectations from that role… I am simply Human let me be that… Thank You ????????????

          4. ???????????? Expectations can take a hike..imagine how truly divinely important stature it gives us! Why should we settle for any less? ????????
            If you insist on being human though, I still we must be queens atleast. Come on, adjust your crown with me Your Highness. ????????

          5. Lol!! Queen I am… My kingdom is this whole universe… So yes I am with you on this… Spread the Red Carpet for the Queens, here we come ????????????????

          6. Ha ha ha! ????????????????

            We going a bit overboard with excitement here? ????????

          7. What’s the harm in that… We can be whatever we want to be ????????…Anyway had a wonderful chat on this topic…May everyone have the sanity to not judge the type of anyones relation…
            Have a lovely day ????????

          8. True. I’m glad there are people like you and me in this world. This chat was fun and refreshing for me! ????
            Have a nice day you too Shefali. ☺

  7. good to read this conversation between two kalyugi devis ????????

    1. ???????????????? See…that’s one advantage of Kalyugi devis. We don’ shy away from talking in public abour ourselves. ????????

      1. ????????

        1. ????????????

  8. I’m doing a lot of reading about relationships. So far mine has been easy going. We starting dating nearly 4 years ago but have been together officially for about 2.5 years. I guess you could say we’re hitting our first real obstacles as we have both now graduated and are entering the stress of PhD life. My partners father has recently found out he is terminally ill which is very stressful for both of us as we both love him and next month we are moving in together for the first time which is a really big step for us. I started my blog to write about my triathlon training but have swayed and occasionally write about my relationship for example my most recent post. I’d be interested to hear any tips anyone has on moving in with a partner if you take the time to read my most recent post.

    1. I really appreciate you preparing for the triathlon and working hard for it. Wish you the best for it! ????
      In my case, I moved in with my husband after marriage so technically it wasn’t moving-in as such. Although after reading your post I would like tell you that having so many mutual interests and the wish to live together should help you sail through happily. If you hit any roadblocks, all you need to remind yourself is why you got together in the first place. Rest is easy. Hope this helped. ☺

  9. Everyone wants to be heard – very powerful! Thanks for the read x

    1. Indeed. ☺
      Thanks for being here Bridget.

  10. nice blog…like your thoughts.. 🙂

    1. Thank you so much! Feel free to look around. You might like something else too. ☺

  11. well written…. change starts from self… and all of us first need to change ourselfs…. the world will change…..

    1. Yes. We need to first come out of the mental rut and slowly the change will come about.

      1. changing oneself is easier….. it can take us forward in that direction…..

        1. Right. ????

          1. ????????????

          2. Yesterday you were not there…. I didn’t saw any post from you….

          3. No. Trying to limit my time on wp. Won’t be posting daily anymore. Alternate days may be.

          4. Oh OK…. ????????????

          5. ????????????

          6. you did not see my beautiful birds….

          7. Haven’t seen many blogs. Let me check.

          8. Thank God you found some time…. Varsha jee…????????????

          9. ☺☺

          10. ????????????

          11. For how long you have been writing…

          12. Long time..need to check the archives…8 years roughly

          13. That’s really very long… Time… ????????????

          14. Yes

          15. Instead of running away from internet make it your creative tool….. Your writing is good…

          16. Internet gets messy and too personal for my comfort. I would rather use my creativity in writing elsewhere too.

          17. Do it anywhere…. But do it…. Explore your talent to the fullest…..

          18. I’m at it. Thanks.

          19. ????????????

          20. TC, have a nice day…????

          21. I hope you don’t mind me talking a lot… Agar sahi Na lage to bata Dena.,.

          22. You should take this more seriously….

          23. I’m enjoying myself and don’t want to blog for compulsion. It is as serious as I can be.

  12. Thanks for talking out tine and liking my reply… TC

  13. It is appropriate time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy.
    I’ve read this post and if I could I want to
    suggest you some interesting things or advice. Maybe you could write
    next articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things
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  14. I’m going through an awkward situation right now where this guy probably wants a relationship but I’d really like to stay friends. But after telling him we should probably just be friends I get the feeling he’ll never look at me again. :/

    1. It all boils down to one thing. Which relation or feeling is stronger in this case? Friendship or love.
      I’m no expert at this, but I would suggest you give him time. Let him figure out who he misses more…his friend or his love. He can then know what to do next. Hope the best happens!
      Thanks for your comment. ☺

  15. Quite a discussion going on here, Varsh. The topic is indeed involving. I seriously don’t understand why is there the need to define everything? My experience says nothing can be confined into absolute boundaries. And especially the love…NEVER. Things in the nature are not in white and black but grey. I believe in the song from the movie Khamoshi: “Humne dekhi hai un aankhon ki mehakti khusboo hath se chhu ke ise risto ka ilzam na do, sirf ek ehsaas hai ruh se mehsus karo pyar ko pyar hi rehne do koi naam na do…”

    1. That is the perfect song to befit this situation, and incidentally, one of my favourites. When you know someone closely, understand them well and spend a lot of time with, it would be surprising if sparks don’t fly at all. However, this is where love, lust and the control you talked about comes into play. We cannot set defined parameters and we cannot pin-point every feeling. Let them flow and take their course. Time will decide if it is worth pursuing or is just a play of hormones. What do you think?

      1. Well, whether it’s love or lust, on physical level hormones are involved. Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist and leading expert in the topic of love, divides the experience of love into three partly overlapping stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust is the feeling of sexual desire; romantic attraction determines what partners mates find attractive and pursue, conserving time and energy by choosing; and attachment involves sharing a home, parental duties, mutual defense, and in humans involves feelings of safety and security. The three circuitry systems, associated with lust, romance and attachment are testosterone guided circuitry system, dopamine guided circuitry system and oxytocin guided circuitry system respectively. The three worked together as well as independently. It is due to their independency; we have attachments with few, involved in romance with others and at the same time could sleep with some others.

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