#postaday, #thedailypost, Friends, Friendship, School Time, Whines and whispers

I'm not Elusive

We were best friends in school till her father got transferred to another city. We wrote letters to each other and kept in touch for a few months, but after a while our friendship fell prey to the distance between us and the need for increased focus on our academics. With time, we became a memory to each other.

Years later, thanks to Orkut, we reconnected. By now we had both become mothers and she had shifted somewhere in Europe for good. There was a lot of catching up to do and as she took minutes out of her work, we bonded again over long chats discussing parenting, exchanging pictures and seeking each other’s opinions on matters of importance.

Like most people settled abroad, she usually took an annual vacation to India for a month to visit her parents. Luckily, soon after we rekindled our friendship she came down for her trip. We planned, decided, and without a second thought I moved things around and even though it was almost 2 hours from my place, went to see her.

Meeting up with her and her family was great, as expected. It was like nothing had changed in all these years. We got nostalgic about school, our classmates and even our crushes from that time! A part of me even fell sorry for not trying harder earlier.

We never change for our friends, do we? Or at least we think so. The fact that someone actually took that extra mile to be with us is very reassuring. I hope she felt it that day. Because, sad as it may seem, it didn’t happen with me when she came down the next time.

A newborn Angel and still delicate in my post-natal stage, I was hoping she would come down to see me and the baby. She called few times, we made plans, and a couple of days before she was to fly she informed rather meekly in a message, “Your home’s too far away.” That was her entire excuse.

My heart sank and I, for once, didn’t mind A’s disapproval about making myself available to people whenever it pleased them. Friendship connects people, but only when the thread is held tightly from both sides. One slack end, and like a dry stray leaf it sways back and forth until it bites the dust.

This is the story of one particular person. Unfortunately, I have come across many such people with different stories, but the same ending. To save myself from unnecessary heartache I choose to cut all ties with them now. It is only fair, I think. May be not quid pro quo, but having some regard for someone is good manners.

So dear people, I’m not elusive, I’m just playing safe for my own sake.

33 thoughts on “I'm not Elusive

  1. Oh, please you wouldn’t no what would have happened in her life .. most people tend to give lame excuses to hide bigger feelings. I don’t know either you or her, however I am familiar with a similar situation where the woman gave a lame excuse, only when she opened up after months I found out what she was going through .. if you are a good friend you should try to understand or make an attempt to know what she’s going through, if someone has made an attempt in the first place then you gotta think than assume .. if she didn’t care she wouldn’t have called. If she matters why don’t you make a move keeping your ego aside .. just a thought

    1. Hmm…its true you don’t know me and from what I said you might feel I made a mistake. Agreed. But to be honest, in the past I almost always made the mistake of giving people the benefit of doubt and took a step back even when I was hurt. But in the end there’s only so much you can do for others. If it starts affecting you, you need to take a call right?
      It isn’t my ego that’s stopping me. I just don’t want to go down that path again. Kabhi to sudharna padega na?

      1. Well that’s something I always tell my friends.. don’t let the experiences of your past cloud your judgement of your present . I have no clue what you meant in Hindi because I don’t understand or speak Hindi . Sometimes when we close ourselves up and go into our shell because of someone’s actions that hurt us, we forget to open the doors of our heart to welcome the good ones

        1. Experiences of the past clouding your judgment, true. The saying ‘once bitten, twice shy’ also true. Isn’t it?
          I’m introvert by nature and have a slight problem in letting people inside my safety walls, you see. Once inside, I keep them dear and close to my heart. No, I don’t think not keeping in touch is bad. Happens all the time. But I guess I’m more sensitive about these things. I like to keep my guards up, which by the way melt down very fast once I warm up to someone.
          I didn’t know you didn’t speak Hindi. Its alright. Wasn’t important.

          1. Yep .. that’s what I am trying to say.. you should be less sensitive and not let others ruin your happiness or destroy your peace of mind. Never give anyone the power to do that . I understand you have built huge walls but that’s not the solution. The only way is to start caring less and focusing on yourself so that nobody can break you .

          2. Hmm, that’s some good advice. Well, that’s what I did by writing this post. I put it out in the open. Now it doesn’t bother me. Not everyone can destroy our peace of mind, it is just those who we thought were dear to us.
            Thank you so much. Really loving this conversation. ☺

          3. Wow. You don’t know what you did, but you just lifted a huge load off me!! Now there’s something I need to do. Thanks again!! ☺☺

  2. just one thought, maybe she really really had some constraints to manage / shuffle things, ppl visiting India are mostly on the run and are on meeting spree with relatives… of course I’m not doubting your judgement, you are the best judge of the situation as you know her too well to take out meaning of the whole episode…

    coming to the second part, we have discussed this once, a long time ago, we are Virgos and we tend to care too much and go out of the way to love people! I sulked too for such reasons in my life until few year, but now I’ve accepted myself the way I’m , I practise not to expect anything in-turn of my love and care that I give to my friends, cause that by my choice, no one ever comes to ask for it to me, right? so if I made a choice I should be happy with it and not expect others to behave in the same manner… you remember we discussed one friend long back, abt her behaviour and how I felt bad etc ? I think that was the turning point, I learnt my lesson and now i’m really really emotions free… I love to the fullest and set the person free, if the person loves me back, YAY otherwise, ITS OK 🙂

    Hugs darling!

  3. Really liked the interesting conversation above :). Anonymous sounds a lot like my wife !!, while I always found it difficult to forget things even those said to me when i was a kid! :). I have often wondered the meaning of the term “letting go”; Does this mean you keep forgiving and forgetting the behavior of same person who hurts to time and again or does it mean you just forgive and forget once and for all and “let go” of the person itself which would mean not making much communication from your side to get your peace of mind but then its really doesn’t happen practically when close relations are involved 🙂

    1. I think he just meant that we shouldn’t let our happiness get affectes by people who don’t deserve to be in our lives. In case od close relations, well, we need to find a place where we can live with them and safe ourselves from the hurt too.

      1. Did not get your second line…What does “finding a place” mean here ? Lets say i dont get along well with my father despite living in different cities even then its difficult to escape the hurt coz if you call him unwillingly it hurts and if you avoid him the guilt makes me hurt more!!

        This becomes even more tricky if a spouse is involved because there isnt even the physical distance anymore so practically you have no option other than sorting out which ( irrespective of terms and conditions of “sorting out”) and i suppose is not a bad option 🙂 🙂

        1. See, friends can be ignored and shunned out of your life. But when it comes to family it gets very tricky. I know we try to do everything to keep then happy, but if it starts affecting our mental health we have to get a bit selfish.
          Yes, physically you can’t keep away, but you can may be find a way to be alright with it. Use everything in your capacity, try reasoning, discussing, meditating, ignoring, or even a little blackmailing if you have to.
          In the end there’s always the extreme step, but I believe things can be sorted out like you said. ☺
          I hope this makes sense to you.

          1. Yeah I understand its easy to become PM but more difficult to manage relationships :). Thanks for those useful points, i have being using some of them with some success 🙂

          2. Relationships are the hardest and most delicate to understand and keep. I might be doling out gyaan here but I struggle through them too at times. When I can’t I simply blog and get it off me. ☺

          3. I remember a line from your past post that it takes little more than love and respect for a good relationship… I find this so true and it really applies to all situations…

          4. Yes, I remember that line. I still stand by it. That was a rare piece of sensible philosophy I ever came up with! ????

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