Recently I reconnected with one of my oldest friends. Although we were poles apart, we spent a better part of our lives being best friends and have the fondest memories of our childhood. We do regret depriving ourselves of this special bond owing to a silly misunderstanding created between us by another friend of ours and have decided to talk it out with each other from now on, whatever the matter is. All’s well that ends well. Right?
How many times does something like this happen though? How often do we give ourselves as well as someone else another chance? Is ‘forgive and forget’ really as simple and easy as it sounds?
Ironically, what I wrote in the first paragraph was a happy exception. I’m someone who cannot easily forgive and can never forget. I have an elephant’s memory when it comes to defining moments. Anything that has left a lasting effect on my mind and heart regardless of how happy, sad, embarrassing, guilty, hurtful etc. it was stays with me forever.
Teenage came to me with a wide set of problems, which I now know is very common. I was always easy to get along with but had very few friends. I had serious trouble blending in with a new crowd and almost always made myself look and feel like a geek. This, despite the fact that I was good at academics, accomodating and non-fussy. I craved for approval from wrong people and for the wrong reasons. Friendships were fickle, non-lasting and non-commital.
During and after graduation I came into my own and realised that our life is ours and no one else’s business. It was alright to fall, make mistakes and feel like a loser as long as I knew how to pick myself up and make a fresh start. The friends I made during that time are precious and superbly supportive. I can relate with them and occasionally rely on them.
So who exactly are the people I’m not forgiving then? Let’s say that I met one such person at every stage in my life. I try and refrain from being anywhere around them. I do talk to them but somewhere the hurt is still there. More so because I was purposely cornered after being called a ‘friend’. My weaknesses were targeted, even highlighted with amazing expertise while the efforts I put in to still be the bigger person went waste.
Occasionally one such person finds me from somewhere and tries to behave like we are cut out from the same cloth and it’s a pity that we aren’t woven together like before. Wonder how can anyone even have the nerve to feign such hollow relevance.
I know holding back isn’t healthy and must get a closure and move on. In a way, I believe I have. I have learnt the art of ignorance and am more openly expressive now. I’m not responsible for feeding someone’s guilt and ego. I’m sorted.